Oh Blizzard, I feel sometimes you are the only one for me

Perhaps it is just the day, the week, or whatever… but the driving force that I once felt to seek out another has dimished. No, this is not bad. Not at all!

A lot of good things have happened recently. I got pulled over and I found out that my registration and licence were both out of date, and I was stuck with some major tickets. Knowing I couldn’t pay for these, my mother and most suprisingly my father dished in the money to pay them off. On top of this act of kindness, I now have Starcraft II which I am ever so addicted to. One minor drawback though… I am sick. Terrible cough.

Oh well. More excuse to be lazy and play SCII? Yea?

Yea.

The Clash of Identities

Today I made a serious mistak— I commented on a blog under this psuedoname rather than the one I would typically use for commented on their website. I forgot I was still logged into this one. It’s comforting to note that I did not identify myself in any manner that could be linked to my other psuedoname, but it leaves me still rattled. What if I had? What if I bridged the gap between the name I normally use on said blogs and the name I choose to use here? People I talk to everyday know me by that other psuedoname and they know my real name. I write a blog under that name too, which I know some of them subscribe to.

It leaves me asking: What if I had?

I can tell you I’d be shooting an email towards the author of said blog requesting that it be deleted, and I would trust them to do so, they seems to be a very geniuene and good-willed person. Even so, it stirs me to think of what might happen if I commented on another’ s webpage who hardly reads their email or gets too much of it to actually get to it in a timely manner.

This gives me much pause… I will be more careful in the future.

Is It Fair?

As of late I have been worring about something…

It’s hard to explain, but ultimately it boils down to me and a long-standing friend are meeting each other to go on a road trip. We haven’t met each other before in person but we will be doing so to go to Blizzcon. I’ll be picking him up in his hometown and then setting course for geekdom.

This is fantastic, I really CANNOT wait to go, but I am worried. If I come out sometime after the roadtrip, will there be negative repercussions on him? Will people start to question his sexuality? I know he is straight, I know nothing of the sexual sort would happen, but I do NOT want my lifes problems becoming a burden on him.

To an outsider, they may see me and him traveling far away together. It leaves room for people to question. More than anything I do not want to cause him harm or discomfort…

I am really unsure of what to do. Is it fair to him that I might put him in this situation? Am I selfish for not coming out sooner?

I Love

I love the way you walk and talk.

I love the way you know how to complete me.

I love the way we get along so well.

I love the way we fight over who gets to hold who in their arms when we cuddle.

I love the feel of your lips on mine.

I love to hold you at night.

I love your way of making things ok.

I love how I can say

I love you.

I Didn’t Make It

I never got the text back with the details on that party. I still haven’t heard from her.

Maybe I got the wrong number punched into my contacts when she gave it to me. We’ll see in good time I suppose.

Invited

In an interesting turn of events, I found my workday not entirely filled with misery as I cashiered at my job. Over the last couple of posts I stated how I really have been feeling alone and need of a friend.  As if by miracle, I got invited to a party that would take place tonight–just  a few hours from now. The girl that invited me gave me her number and told me to text her when she got home for the details.

Now, it’s been quite some time since we exchanged information and I am still awaiting her reply to my messages. I know when the party is but know not where– and she is the only person I know that is going to be there, so I can’t ask anyone else. I bought a new outfit especially for the occation in hopes to make a good impression and possibly make a few friends. Oh, and also to maybe easy some self anxiety. New clothes = one less thing to worry about. Did I mention I have never been to a party before where I knew no one? The only parties I have attended were just a small group of friends who essentially had a blast doign a random assortment of strange things– playing frisbee in the rain, dodge-frisbee, basicly everything-frisbee (until it broke anyway).

Back on topic, I am still awaiting her texts now. I spent half of what little money I do have right now on a gamble that I might make a friend or too at a party it seems I wont even make it too. This is one of those rare moments where I am sitting here in my computer chair thinking ‘FML’.

Planning For The Day: Coming Out

I am talking about this more and more because it seems like it might just happen sometime in the remote future. As or recently I have been simply feeling down about most everything. I cannot tell you how many posts I have started writing here, gotten three paragraphs in, and thought it was complete crap and erased. I am so sick of feeling like shit all the time.

I think I may come out to my sister soon. Maybe soon after make it Facebook official. I loged into MyYearbook for the first time in months simply because I know my sister uses it and it is all about flirting and such. I looked at some of the very decent guys around here, who are out with their sexuality, and it encourages me to believe everything will be ok. I would be lying if I said I didn’t see a cute boy or two on there that I wouldn’t mind messaging… but right now I have a bit of self confidence issues. Maybe when I loose 10 pounds. Prolonged exposure to my grandmothers house has put on a few for me 😦

You know what, I am getting increasingly happy as I write this article. Mood is improving with every statement of moving forward towards freedom. I can only imagine what it will feel like once it’s all said and done.

I need to practice on what I would like my facebook bulletin to look like. I might start crafting that here soon.

Putting Myself Out There

Lately it has been on my mind that since high school I don’t really have as many incoming friends as I do ones that are going. More importantly, I am looking to perhaps add a friend that I can connect to on a deeper level of friendship, someone I can call my best friend.

It made me reflect on who I call friends now. Currently as it stands, my only way of making friends is through work and online, since I am not currently going to school (took the summer off). As far as work goes, there isn’t much to be said, I really don’t linger around to socialize, I just want to get in and out of that hellhole. Online, however, is where most of my friends are made.

One friend in particular, who happens to be the best friend I got at the moment, lives far, far away from me. Though we will meet sometime near the end of this year due to both of us going to Blizzcon 2010, he can only be so much for me. His personality is what made me like him but it is also his personality that keeps me from connecting to him in a too meaningful of a way. He very well thought out and is not the emotional type, yet I do know him to not be without. Anyway, we agreed that we would be damn good friends if we were only closer in distance. To be honest I considered going to school out there simply to do just that, but I decided that the decision may not be wise in the end.

I suppose I am looking for someone I can really call my true best friend. Someone who considers me their best friend too. Someone who it wouldn’t be thought strange to put my arm around and let them know that they mean a great deal to me. Perhaps someone who needs not to hear it at all, but nonetheless I would say it anyway.

I have been thinking about ways I can put myself out there again. Scratch that, to put myself out there for the first time. I am underage so bars are not the solution. I’m more the quiest type so concerts will not do. Fencing starts up next month and I will be doing that, but we meet just once a month and leaves little room for socializing.

One way would be through craigs list, perhaps answers an ad reading they are looking for some friends to chill with. That website, however, does not appeal to me. It leaves me feeling too worried over what could go wrong. To be completely honest, I am not here for a popularity contest— writing here that is. So I admit that I once posted an ad myself on craigslist looking for someone once. Upon posting I knew that I wouldn’t have the nerve to reply to any emails I might have gotten, but the other half was more curious at what responses I would get.

Man this life is mind boggling.

If You Really Knew Me.

If you really knew me, you’d know…

…that there are times where I look and the mirror and am ashamed.
…I’ve been wanting to update my facebook picture but I never feel I look good enough to do it.
…I am crying as I type this.
…there is nothing more I want right now than a hug.
…that I don’t think I have a single friend to talk to about how I feel.
…that I’m not sure I have friends at all.
…my overprotective way of hiding my sexuality distances me from anyone who could be a true, good friend.
…I feel alone.
…I have so much love I wish I could give but outside of my family have no one to give it to.
…I really wish I did have someone else to love.
…I want someone to love so much but am too scared to reach out.

If you really knew me, you’d know that the one thing I need most right now is a friend who I can wrap my arm around and let them know how much they mean to me, and a friend where I know they feel the same way too.

– – –

Today I was on my facebook and someone I used to know posted a status talking about the show Teen Mom and how someone from my area was on there. I turned the channel and watched it out of interest.

Immediately following that show was the premiere of a show call “If You Really Knew Me”. I had never heard of it before watching the commercial, but I knew instantly I had to stay and watch. They had these kids from a high school doing an activity where they finished the sentence “If you really knew me…”. It made me realize how much we all have in common, how much we all need and feel the same things, even for the same reason sometimes.

The program that MTV features is called Challenge day, and right now I am staring at the “contact us” page as I type. There is a box I could check saying I would be willing to volunteer at an event. So much I want to be able to send in my offer but I fear I would chicken out and simply not follow through. I fear if I went that I would break down and come out. As strange as it is, as much as I fear it, I think that this would be a way I would like to go about it.

Root Canal

I got a root canal yesterday. In front of me a few pill containers.

Vicodin, an antibiotic, and a steroid are staring me down. Oh, what we go through to make a bit of pain go away..